it's been too long...

i can't believe how long it has been since i posted last. i am going to try to be more responsible and consistent in my postings. i might not have anything earth shattering to share, but this is a great place to spout out all the complaints i have about the impossible cards i 've been dealt . good and bad impossible cards.for in as much as i have complaints i am also blessed in many ways and am so grateful for those blessings. it's late now and i'm exhausted. even though my boss is out of town she is still a pain in my arse and i have tons of complaining to do, mostly about how horribly she treats me. all of that will wait until tomorrow. got to get my beauty rest.

arrrrr....how many interruptions does it take for a person to screw up what they were working on????well today it was about eight...and i tried to completely focus on what i was doing so hard i almost stopped breathing. wtf....and yes if you must know i did make an ugly mistake and it was too late to correct it so i had to send an apology correction behind what i first sent out. i just hate that!if i inadvertently make a mistake, hell yes it was my fault, but when i am trying diligently to do my best and then keep getting interrupted constantly, i just think it's not entirely my fault.  i wonder if anyone has died from a stroke at work from interruption anxiety? and to top it all off i got a round about insult and then was asked to try to work extra days. um no thank you. all that and today was actually a good day, guardian angels were doing their thing and a few very nice things happened. if i could just get them to hang with me at the office once in a while, i might get something done right for a change!

i had some nice conversations with family members this weekend and came to realize that people pleasing seems to be sickness too many of us have in common.it was almost funny as to how many of us actually acknowledged how often we find it so hard to lead our own lives. our families often interject and and begin to tell us how to live our lives or how we should be doing what they suggest we do, or that they need to know every move we make, and for some ridiculous reason we do what they ask, regardless of how we really feel. seriously we need to stand up for ourselves and just say no. no i don't think so, no i don't want to go, no i don't have to do that, no, no, no....and maybe they will finally back off or bother another family member. i think the reason i end up doing what is always asked of me is the thought that perhaps i would hurt their feeling by saying no, meanwhile i am miserable for saying yes. maybe once in a while i need to put myself first instead of last. 

life is so wishy washy...the ups and downs are quite a lot to maneuver. i wonder if there will ever be a middle of the road time, where you get to catch your breath and just live a happy life. not an abnormal life of extreme joy and happiness, but just a simple, happy life that just rambles along without huge peaks and deep valleys. i know that's asking for a lot but it would be nice to get to a happy place of calmness and just stay there for a while. who knows, maybe i am in my happy place now, and i just do not realize it. well then, i take it all back. if this is happy, no deep valleys for me!! ;-)
work still sucks and so does looking for work. a new home in a new city seem do able  but i really would like a job to go with that. is that asking for too much? apparently so....but only for me. some people seem to get everything they want. deep down i believe they can live like that because they have made a deal with the devil that enables them to live the life of a celebrities.if that's what it takes, no thanks, none for me, senor diablo, go away, no deal making around here!!

okay, bad day today. it looks as if i will never find a job that will enable me to support myself and is fulfilling and won't be so crazy as the part time one i have now. i hate the commute and the conditions under which i am working now, and i need benefits. i am either not qualified because i haven't worked in any field other than the best mother in the world category or i am looked at as being too old for the position they want to fill. it is just crippling because i need to move on, out and start anew, but no one will give me a chance, except for the job i have now, and i am just biding my time there, trying to move on to less stressful pastures. maybe i need to work for myself, do something i know i am pretty good at and just go for it. all i can do is lose money, i already do not have benefits so i couldn't lose those. and really the worse thing about all this is how useless it makes me feel. it's a horrible feeling and i hate feeling this way. so all alone in my misery. i just can't seem to climb out of here.

it's getting to be that time of year .....hearts and flowers.....candies.....fancy dinners...St. Valentine's Day...
it was a favorite holiday of mine, and for the most part it still is. i love the sweetness it brings out in almost everybody. too bad we can't have that feeling everyday. i miss the little kid parties and the giving of valentine's, and cooking special dinners for my family. i still give Valentine's gifts to my grown up kids, although not the candy variety anymore, but always a little something. i guess i'll plan a menu and cook on monday since going to a restaurant is so out of the question, and always is such a headache. anyway, it's a nice tradition and hopefully someday soon i'll be someone's valentine again! on a completely different subject, the workplace should be nutsy tomorrow and i'm truly not looking forward to it. she hasn't been there in a week and 1/2 and i'm sure she will want a million things done all at the same time and in a hurry. i was left a chastising note the other day, again, and it's because she can't remember what she tells me since she changes her mind 24/7. i know i am far from being perfect, but she doesn't ever let up and it's awfully difficult to work under such pressure. i pray she can hire someone to help her so that all the work she doesn't care to do, does not fall only on my shoulders. i wish i could find an easier place to work....and i'm still waiting on my christmas gift...and i found out she pays this other person 2X what i get.....umuufhfhsolaslk. ;-)

Super Bowl Sunday, and guess which team i'm pulling for!!!??? actually i do not have a preference for who wins, except i would like to see aaron rodgers creep out from behind brett farve shadow, and then there is the whole rape incident with roethlisberger, not a good thing. so go packers!!
another exciting saturday night in the books and one more plus in the column for getting my butt the heck out of here before i start to really dislike my own family. i just don't understand the reasoning behind allowing someone to starve themselves to death because they like the way they look, and for actually condoning what i consider bad behavior. i was raised better than that and will not stoop to their levels just to hope i impress someone, that is just plumb crazy and not right. Please austin, hire me away!!lol!!