it's been too long...

i can't believe how long it has been since i posted last. i am going to try to be more responsible and consistent in my postings. i might not have anything earth shattering to share, but this is a great place to spout out all the complaints i have about the impossible cards i 've been dealt . good and bad impossible cards.for in as much as i have complaints i am also blessed in many ways and am so grateful for those blessings. it's late now and i'm exhausted. even though my boss is out of town she is still a pain in my arse and i have tons of complaining to do, mostly about how horribly she treats me. all of that will wait until tomorrow. got to get my beauty rest.

arrrrr....how many interruptions does it take for a person to screw up what they were working on????well today it was about eight...and i tried to completely focus on what i was doing so hard i almost stopped breathing. wtf....and yes if you must know i did make an ugly mistake and it was too late to correct it so i had to send an apology correction behind what i first sent out. i just hate that!if i inadvertently make a mistake, hell yes it was my fault, but when i am trying diligently to do my best and then keep getting interrupted constantly, i just think it's not entirely my fault.  i wonder if anyone has died from a stroke at work from interruption anxiety? and to top it all off i got a round about insult and then was asked to try to work extra days. um no thank you. all that and today was actually a good day, guardian angels were doing their thing and a few very nice things happened. if i could just get them to hang with me at the office once in a while, i might get something done right for a change!

i had some nice conversations with family members this weekend and came to realize that people pleasing seems to be sickness too many of us have in common.it was almost funny as to how many of us actually acknowledged how often we find it so hard to lead our own lives. our families often interject and and begin to tell us how to live our lives or how we should be doing what they suggest we do, or that they need to know every move we make, and for some ridiculous reason we do what they ask, regardless of how we really feel. seriously we need to stand up for ourselves and just say no. no i don't think so, no i don't want to go, no i don't have to do that, no, no, no....and maybe they will finally back off or bother another family member. i think the reason i end up doing what is always asked of me is the thought that perhaps i would hurt their feeling by saying no, meanwhile i am miserable for saying yes. maybe once in a while i need to put myself first instead of last. 

life is so wishy washy...the ups and downs are quite a lot to maneuver. i wonder if there will ever be a middle of the road time, where you get to catch your breath and just live a happy life. not an abnormal life of extreme joy and happiness, but just a simple, happy life that just rambles along without huge peaks and deep valleys. i know that's asking for a lot but it would be nice to get to a happy place of calmness and just stay there for a while. who knows, maybe i am in my happy place now, and i just do not realize it. well then, i take it all back. if this is happy, no deep valleys for me!! ;-)
work still sucks and so does looking for work. a new home in a new city seem do able  but i really would like a job to go with that. is that asking for too much? apparently so....but only for me. some people seem to get everything they want. deep down i believe they can live like that because they have made a deal with the devil that enables them to live the life of a celebrities.if that's what it takes, no thanks, none for me, senor diablo, go away, no deal making around here!!

okay, bad day today. it looks as if i will never find a job that will enable me to support myself and is fulfilling and won't be so crazy as the part time one i have now. i hate the commute and the conditions under which i am working now, and i need benefits. i am either not qualified because i haven't worked in any field other than the best mother in the world category or i am looked at as being too old for the position they want to fill. it is just crippling because i need to move on, out and start anew, but no one will give me a chance, except for the job i have now, and i am just biding my time there, trying to move on to less stressful pastures. maybe i need to work for myself, do something i know i am pretty good at and just go for it. all i can do is lose money, i already do not have benefits so i couldn't lose those. and really the worse thing about all this is how useless it makes me feel. it's a horrible feeling and i hate feeling this way. so all alone in my misery. i just can't seem to climb out of here.

it's getting to be that time of year .....hearts and flowers.....candies.....fancy dinners...St. Valentine's Day...
it was a favorite holiday of mine, and for the most part it still is. i love the sweetness it brings out in almost everybody. too bad we can't have that feeling everyday. i miss the little kid parties and the giving of valentine's, and cooking special dinners for my family. i still give Valentine's gifts to my grown up kids, although not the candy variety anymore, but always a little something. i guess i'll plan a menu and cook on monday since going to a restaurant is so out of the question, and always is such a headache. anyway, it's a nice tradition and hopefully someday soon i'll be someone's valentine again! on a completely different subject, the workplace should be nutsy tomorrow and i'm truly not looking forward to it. she hasn't been there in a week and 1/2 and i'm sure she will want a million things done all at the same time and in a hurry. i was left a chastising note the other day, again, and it's because she can't remember what she tells me since she changes her mind 24/7. i know i am far from being perfect, but she doesn't ever let up and it's awfully difficult to work under such pressure. i pray she can hire someone to help her so that all the work she doesn't care to do, does not fall only on my shoulders. i wish i could find an easier place to work....and i'm still waiting on my christmas gift...and i found out she pays this other person 2X what i get.....umuufhfhsolaslk. ;-)

Super Bowl Sunday, and guess which team i'm pulling for!!!??? actually i do not have a preference for who wins, except i would like to see aaron rodgers creep out from behind brett farve shadow, and then there is the whole rape incident with roethlisberger, not a good thing. so go packers!!
another exciting saturday night in the books and one more plus in the column for getting my butt the heck out of here before i start to really dislike my own family. i just don't understand the reasoning behind allowing someone to starve themselves to death because they like the way they look, and for actually condoning what i consider bad behavior. i was raised better than that and will not stoop to their levels just to hope i impress someone, that is just plumb crazy and not right. Please austin, hire me away!!lol!!

nutty day today. up early in austin, 17 degrees....rolling blackouts all over the state. nice early drive back to h-town for work and no work...no electricity. street lights aren't functioning, lights keep going on and then off. and it's crazy cold. maybe tomorrow?? who knows, now ice and snow on the way...is this south Texas?? on the other hand...interview went well, at least from my perspective and i got to visit and go to dinner with my favorite austinites. so all in all it was a good trip. wish i would have known about the rolling blackouts before i took off early like a race car driver to get to work on time, but hey the traffic moved really well and i made it home in good time. actually went shopping and spent $16.48 for $250 worth of fashion ( code word for costume) jewelry!! so it was a good day, and even hit the streets for a nice brisk walk in the frigid air!!

things are starting to click around here and that means i've started digging in my heels and am afraid of the forward movement. it's so crazy because i do want to go forward but the thought of jumping off a cliff and acquiring wings on the way down has me frozen solid. i always figured i was an adventurous type of person, but when push comes to shove, no um...i'm not going, or okay i'll go,but someone please come with me and hold my hand!! what a chicken i've become. what the heck am i afraid of? change? that can't be it. my life is completely changed and i'm still here. afraid of making a mistake?? if i'm moving forward or even sideways or backward for that matter, at least i'm moving. jeez...am i ever going to grow up??

actually thought i wrote something on here earlier, so i was surprised to find a blank screen. i guess i just wrote it in my head, so i will try to remember all my words of wisdom from my thoughts...i have been put in a strange predicament of sorts...i'm at the perverbial fork in the road... leave my home of many years...where i have been parent to my parents, who  are not getting any younger. they do need some help now, but will need much more in the years to come. Or start my new life in a new city where my future seems to be headed. I truly am looking forward to moving on, but it is scary and i'm not very good at impulsive decisions. yet i know my future is not here anymore. i would be braver if i wasn't contemplating this all by myself, but it is, what it is and so i have to put on my big girl pants and head on down one of the roads.

a new day?

okay, so what's really going on here?? it appears that i put words here, on this blog and somehow things are shaking up a bit and getting more positive. is this really happening or is it my imagination or perhaps just a coincidence??which ever it is, and i hope it is the universe answering my prayers, i'm liking the shake up!! keep it up please, and i will keep spouting my feelings on here and do my best to help curb the negativity out there in the real world!!it's not time to get too happy, the other shoe drops when that happens. just a mellow kind of gladness!!

new post

i cannot figure out how to get the music on my blog changed. i have tried endless times and it wont work. so dear reader(s) you are stuck with the few songs that i have on here already. so sorry about that.even i can 't stand them for much longer. and they were some of my favorites, not so much anymore!!

~pretty sure the super bowl will be very yellow this year, which will be good for any Baylor fans going to the game in Arlington this year. They already have yellow shirts and towels so they can cheer for any team and they also wont need to get a hotel room since it's so close to Waco. Lucky. 

had a list of things to do today, but was waylay-ed by my niece who needed a costume by tomorrow, and can i please make it for her....um...okay....and i ran to the fabric store to make a purchase. thank the universe for stitch witch. i just love that stuff!! A few minor cuts and folds and iron presses and voila, she can play medusa tomorrow, or whenever she needs too!!

i have a way of making easy things so complicated, or maybe it's just that i sweat the small, medium and large things. i do try not too, but it seems to be ingrained in my psyche. i would much rather be the person who doesn't have a clue when it comes to semi-dangerous things instead of the person who can whip up these disasters in her head in an instant, putting a damper on what might be something fun to do. i think i'd much rather be the crazy person who jumps out of a perfectly good airplane, with a parachute of course, instead of the person whose hands start to perspire just thinking of someone who did jump and all i did was think and freak out. not a good quality to possess.another 2011 character flaw to work on....stop freaking out about everything, only the universe is in complete control, and i do not control the universe...yes, i do try now and then! BUT, i will work on that!!

diplomacy

no gf yet, it's only been a day, but he surprised me by following through with scheduling all his classes, on his own, taking responsibility for his life, without me! YAY!! i just love that! it's better than a present or flowers!! and since the universe has been tuning in to my blog...things at the office have been quite pleasant lately. as if glenda the good witch has possessed my friend. she actually has picked up on my calming vibes which i send out constantly so that i won't open my mouth and say something i might regret. i have a tendency to react before i think which is not such a great thing. i have been trying to think more and react less, but it's a tough habit to break. i am quite diplomatic, but i can rush to defend before i completely understand the whole situation. a very smart friend of mine once told me the way to truly understand another person is to tell them what you thought they said and is that what they wanted you to understand. usually the person has no idea of what they said, only what they wanted to say. i've actually used this method and it works. see i tolf you she was very smart, and the most diplomatic person i know!!

i actually said a different prayer today for my son. it was one to send to him a girlfriend, who was very pretty and very smart. asap. i have just about used up all my mom power on him and it's now time for some other female to take over the job of steering him in the correct direction, that is any direction on the common sense road!what is it with males? i do believe they are from mars, and i will never be able to figure them out. he is a very good son, and i love him dearly, but i just can't figure him out. and to keep the great relationship that we have, i need a new recruit to take over for me before i end up driving him crazy. yes, i do know that's my job, to drive him crazy, but it's time for me to allow someone to help me, so that i can do the crazy thing on a part time basis now, instead of full time!!

just when you think you are moving along in the right direction( that means actually having a direction) you take a few baby steps backwards...i don't really mind a few back steps, i'd prefer a few baby steps forward, but what gets to me is the consequences some of these back steps have on other peoples' life paths and how they might set them back. and that is what keeps me awake at night. i know, i'm not  the one in control of everyone's life , but i can help prod them in what i consider the right direction, can't i? and then i feel better that they are not just wasting their time...although they do not feel that way...i wonder why i do?? i wish i had the kind of personality that didn't try to control every single moment of the day and didn't sweat the small stuff. i have tried to be that person, and am still trying to be that person, but it doesn't come easy to me. i'm pretty sure i'd be a lot more stress free if i'd only learn to completely let go...just something else to work on...boy am i a messed up project in process!

today i purchased something for myself that i have been wanting for a long time. i kept putting it off because of different reasons and excuses. but today, i decided was the day,i purchase something for myself for a change. i also promised myself not to feel guilty that i bought it and that i didn't spend the money on someone or something else. it's not that it was so expensive, it's just that i figured i really didn't need it, only that i wanted to have one. but i know that i will use it more than i ever expected . rest assured that i will truly enjoy using my purchase and i hope it lasts for a while, especially since i wasn't brave enough to spend the extra money for the warranty!! Oh well, somethings never change...

okay, so as i pushed the button for the elevator on my way home today, i said to myself.....after taking a very deep breath, self... you need to think of this as getting paid for going to school. yes, it can be very painful at times, but it won't last forever and you will take your skills and whatever is left of your confidence and go on to the next adventure, where hopefully there are butterflies and rainbows and happy, happy people!!Thank you universe for only allowing me to work there 3 days a week, any more days and i think i would start a fight. ;-) and i even got a call in the car...i think, if you can't remember what you just did with a piece of paper, and you are going to blame someone else for the loss, then you are doing too many things at once and you need to slow down before you combust!! that's my two cents for the day, and thank you universe for allowing me to get this off my chest and for giving me the tools to forgive!!

if i had any inkling that i would be in the predicament that i find myself in now, i would have gone back to school to get my masters and then maybe work on a PhD, (knowing me, i would just work on it for a while and then just say forgetaboutit....) and all this comes from a day at work where i was trying to be positive about what i was doing, and bang, a piece of paper goes missing and whose fault could it be??? i can happily say it's not my fault because i hardly ever throw anything, especially if it's an important piece of paper, and it's not my piece of paper....i just wonder if there is a fun, unstressful job out there just waiting for me to apply for it and here comes the special part....it has benefits!! That's the most important part for me now, health insurance. i do not really care so much about the salary...i used to have a nice, cushy life and then later it turned into a nice, comfortable life and now it has turned into i can barely keep my head above water life( thanks in part to a lying, cheating SOB, but that's another 1000 blogs full of stories). and i'm okay with that. i'm the same person, money or no money. so there goes the plan to reduce me to nothing so i would just blow away. i will never give you that satisfaction. i would just like to be able to take care of myself and i'm afraid of what will happen if i get sick. and since i'm not getting any younger this dilemma is getting to be extremely serious and very worrisome. do all uninsured's think about having insurance 24/7 like i do?? it is worse than the lose weight worry!! it's on my short list and i am determined to fulfill my short list this year!! keep all your fingers crossed!! and what does all this have to do with going bach to school?? I have no idea, i'm just trying to figure out too many things at once....and praying that some of them sort themselves out for me!!

swoosh

i think i named this blog correctly....at first i was a bit skeptical about whether or not the universe was listening to little ol' me and then if it was listening....would it answer??and would it have a positive influence on me??? in the recent past i have begun to post various thoughts and little tidbits of things that were bothering me and how i was going to keep going even if i knew i was up against some negative folks. and today a miracle happened, and i acknowledged it as such and i am so grateful!!now it wasn't life altering but it did have an impact on my day and i felt the earth shift a wee bit to the sunny side instead of the dark gloomy side. okay, so i'm starting to get it and i might start really bellyaching on here and who knows maybe i'll get my life back together and make some positive moves. some people can seem to do this without a nudge from the universe, obviously i am not one of them. so thank you for listening universe, i truly appreciate the help today, and if you don't mind could you keep it up for a while?? it felt great!!

okay, not to much work done today...but i did meet a friend for lunch, which was a pleasant surprise. we haven't met in a while and it was nice to catch up. i am only working a few days a week so i have 2-3 week days to play around, and then usually 2-3 days to be at the office, depending upon how busy we are. this type of work i'm doing is interesting and i like it, and maybe one day i will be very good at it.  i just cannot get used to the intense, boot camp style, this type of work is thrown at me and the pace in which i am expected to be doing it in. and then there are some questionable breaks i'm sent on, and the reticule that gets unleashed on me at times.sometimes i just stop listening, as if i am deaf and cannot hear, or i just pretend to be listening, like a kid....;-)! the biggest trouble is i am just learning this type of work and the person i am helping has been doing this complex work for over 25 years. and i do not have reference manual to help me. i do try to take notes, but the speed at which i am trying to comprehend things is at warp speed and i can only write in normal handwriting speed, which is also criticised. i mean who takes notes in perfect handwriting??? the work is very  precise and very time consuming and i have to have complete focus when i am preparing documents and it is impossible for me to concentrate when i am interrupted 2000 times a day.and for some reason there is always something more for me to do as i am trying to leave the office. my commute is an hour and if i do not leave at a certain time, i am stuck in traffic all the way home. i am grateful to have this job and i am learning, but i leave with a headache everyday and it's not always because of the work. i hope one day to be able to have a more relaxed job, but for now i will suck it up and go in and take the insults with a grain of salt and do my best, but i promised myself as soon as something better comes my way...i ..am.. out.. of.. there...

two days and i am finally feeling organized, my desk is almost functioning as a desk. i can actually find stuff when i need too, which is really a nice thing! It's amazing how much easier your life can be if it's less cluttered, but I'm sure I'll never give up my pack rat status for good. My desk functions so much better, but it certainly isn't naked like I don't live here. A few more tweeks tomorrow and then on the to the next chore, the dreaded closet.The best part is since the 2nd desk is gone, and so are things that were on it and underneath it, I have breathing space!! 
As i was going through the piles i came across photos of me that i hadn't seen in years. Some from high school, college and then before i was married. i was never a skinny person, but i was certainly not overweight, yet i always thought i was, and i know i was told that on more than one occasion and now that i am overweight, i am so envious of how i did look as a young person. go figure, when i should have been so confident, i was always so self conscious about my weight, and now that i'm a heavier, older person, i have a harder time being in my own skin. I'd like to work on getting rid of that feeling this year and the extra pounds i'm carrying around, too!!
 

for some strange reason i started spring cleaning today. i suppose, after the Christmas decorations were put up and everyone left for work or school, i just got a bit carried away and decided to get rid of all the stuff i can live without. perhaps its a prelude to when i move (hopefully in the near future) so that i wont have to drag a bunch of things i dont need or care about with me. so i started with my desk, which is actually in two places in my room. so i have decided i'm only one person, so why do i need two desks in one room? it's not like i'm running a business out of here. or running an organization like i did once upon a time...so i just tossed everything in one big pile and proceeded to sort through it all....yes what a disaster...thank goodness there were two good football games on to keep me busy. and i have vowed not to stop with the desks. The closet is next, it will be a big job but i'm in training for the hardest job of all, the dreaded garage with tons of stuff left to me by my kids and an ex-husband who took the good stuff and left me with tons of crap, most of which i have no idea of what it is. I have given away a bunch of stuff already which is comforting, but i still have a major weekend job ahead of me. And during a break, i organized all my cds and put them in alphabetical order, the dvds are next!! Yes, i do need to get a life....it's on my short list!!!

i'm suffering from quiet house syndrome, so i'm writing in blue, just like i feel. my kids and their doggies are all back in their cities after the Christmas break, probably happy to be home and back to a schedule, while their mom is missing their company and the noise and action that happens when the kids come back to the nest. i hate it. not the coming back home, the leaving part, and the empty house and the quiet. it takes me a while to not look to say something to one of them and then realizing, no...they are not there and i am talking to myself. i do get over it after a while, but the first couple of days are killers. i wonder if they miss me? ;-)

Honeysuckle Pink People Pleaser

I really tried to write last night but this site wasn't working and I couldn't figure out how to get it to load, not that I had anything earth shattering to say, but I was looking forward to keeping my NYE promise. I am a really good promise keeper normally, almost to the crazy promise keeper level. I don't know why I guess it's just the good person in me that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. You would think that a person would get over the need to please after a while, and I don't think I'm as bad as I was, but I still catch myself moving heaven and earth for other loved ones and others, if I said I would or could do for them. If it's a matter of life or death, well sure I would and should be there, but most of the time after I have half killed myself to do or go or pick up whatever it is, it wasn't really a big deal to the person anymore. Which really isn't nice, but hey, it's not their problem. I guess I'm not so much of a promise keeper as I am a people please-er crazy person. And, I guess that's an affliction I picked up from birth. Maybe even my birth order....being #1 on various levels isn't as glamorous as one might think. The number 2 or 3 birth position might really be the better, more envious of numbers. The responsibility police do not treat all numbered birth positions equally, and just once, I'd like to look down at the other numbers and say you need to tell blalblahblah to do blahblahblah, and let them be the "responsible" number. Oh and by the way, fyi this pink color is the it color for 2011, only it's not pink, it's honeysuckle, which is pretty weird for me because it looks exactly like rose carnation pink, a Phi Mu color!! But its new name is honeysuckle. So, guess I'll add to my NY resolution, list, stop being pleasing, but being nice is still okay ;-)

YAY!!After numerous tries I have finally gotten into my account to restart this lovely blog after being awol for a very long time!I just have a difficult time remembering all the user names and passwords I set up for all these accounts. I do have a fingerprint reader on my laptop to help me out, but I can not remember to use it correctly when I start out setting up accounts, which is totally my fault. For the New Year I vow to try harder to use the computer shortcuts I have been given!!It's just mind boggling, the amount of time spent trying to recreate or remember the passwords to allow us to get into our own accounts to see the information we have set aside for our own benefits. This just drives me crazy!!At least now I have my first New Years resolution for 2011, with plenty more to come. And I will try to blog more frequently even if no one else ever reads this. It's good for my soul!!:-)